new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
