I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she peed on how many people?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
