It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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