Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
