evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
