So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
