im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
