well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
