Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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