He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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