i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
