I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
