I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
