Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
