oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You are the jesus of drinking
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
