My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We are all done wearing pants today
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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