I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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