allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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