you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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