im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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