god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
