I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
