I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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