When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
