All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
