i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
