I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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