im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
