He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
