did you get engaged???
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
