there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
