For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
