if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
