Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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