I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
