my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
