You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Randomize
