Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
