planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
