OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
