I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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