Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
