Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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