3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
