apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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