need another drink. this is the easiest way
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
