You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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