I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
