That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
