I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
