I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
