My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Randomize
