Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
